N.J. Chronicles - 2016 Day 1, part 2

The Rumpty Dumpty on the campaign trail

The commercials roll on and on seemingly unending. XXX extra-large adult diapers, car loans, home loans, checks cashed, and cancer cured. Erectile dysfunction? Can’t swing the cat? Guatemalan Monkey Gland suppositories will do the trick. Then suddenly there he is, the Great Man himself, calling for the annihilation of the entire developing world. Hey, it’s his town! New York, New York. Let’s see what he has to say.

In this campaign commercial the Rumpty is speaking to the zomboid brain dead assembly at the Second Coming Evangelical Nursing Home. Be sure to visit the Jesus Loves You gift shop on your way in. The residents are all nodded out in their wheelchairs, mouths hanging open. Rumpty Dumpty doesn’t care, he works the room. Behind him a huge image of a God Fearing American family all sensually oiling up their firearms together at the kitchen table in some pseudo-sexual masturbatory gun fetish rite of passage. And isn’t that, yes, the Corn Dog Jesus, himself, lovingly watching over them in the heavenly lambkin background.

“I love old people,” Rumpty tells them. “You built this great country. You made America the fabulous Land of Equality and Freedom it is today. You made America Number One, Number One, killing those Nazi monsters, bombing the Japs into oblivion. You did this, not the pussy whipped namby-pamby liberals of today who tenderly pick up little bugs they find in their homes and take outside because they can’t bring themselves to kill them.”

All across this Great Land the Rumpty Dumpty Delusionals tongues all start wagging in unison imagining themselves living in a Dumpty Tower, making Big Deals, shaking hands with their hero. Even though they eat out of dumpsters, live in cardboard boxes, wrecked cars, storm pipes, plastic bags, they still believe they can make it big, grab the golden ring of the American Dream, worship at the Celebrity Church of the Ignorant.

“Is that the kind of person you want leading an empire, leading the world?” The Rumpty Dumpty asks the wizened wheelchair Christians . “I should say not. But now these wimps want to take it away from you, give the country away to third world people who boil monkeys for breakfast. I won’t let them do it. Sure, we need some raghead, mud hut peasants to push you around in your wheelchairs and help you take a dump, but I’ll be damned if they are going to take over this Great Land of ours. The current president is busy playing paddy-cake with terrorists. Doesn’t he understand they hate us, want to destroy Israel, turn all the great Jewish delis into kebab stands. I should say not. What would Jesus have to say about that? Do you think he’d approve? Of course not. I don’t know about you but I’m not giving up my hot pastrami on rye.

With me you’ll do good. I make deals, I make money, I fuck high class hookers and live in a Gold Tower. I know what you need. I know what you want, what you deserve. I don’t do business with the Arab terrorists. You don’t want these Ali -Baba camel humpers here, just like I don’t. I promise you, if you vote for me, I’m going to send all the freeloading wogs, and spics and ragheads back to the shitholes they came from. They are here to destroy us, take away our Freedom, our bazookas, our anti-tank missile launchers, our ten thousand rounds of ammo, our right to be Ignorant, Hateful and Free. You’re Americans,” Rumpty Dumpty exclaims, “We lead the world forward. No Rag Head Sacred Cow Mud Hut Rice Chompers are going to tell us what to do - we tell them. Our enemies – you know who they are, they will never, ever take our freedoms away. With me you’ll be treated good, play wheelchair golf, get a free pack of Depends every week or so. Bing Bam boom. God bless this great country.”